What is. . .

• domestic violence?
• sexual violence?
• teen dating violence?

Where can I go for help if I am not from Northwest Colorado?

What are the warning signs of an abusive relationship?

What is the cycle of violence?

What can I do if I am being abused?

If I leave my partner, what do I need to bring with me?

What can I do if I know someone is being abused?

Why would a victim stay in an abusive relationship?

What are the myths and facts of sexual assault?

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is is a crime. The term domestic violence is used to describe abuse that occurs between intimate partners. This abuse can be directed toward a spouse, partner, or girlfriend/boyfriend. It is one of the most common crimes in the United States and one of the most secret. People do not like to admit taht domestic violence exists.

Although many people assume that domestic violence or battering means physical assault such as slapping, hitting, shoving or kicking, it can be much more. Battering can be verbal, such as name-calling and "put-downs"; it can also be psychological, such as displays of intense jealousy and attempts to control a partner's life. It also includes sexual abuse, destruction of property and violence against pets.

Women and men who are battered do not fit into one mold; they come from many different backgrounds and situations. They are married and single, homemakers or have careers, all ages and races. Nevertheless, they have one thing in common: every victim of domestic violence has been abused by someone who says they are in love with her/him.

Whether the perpetrator "loves" or not, most abusers do not take responsibility for their own violence. When confronted by police, courts, or counselors for their own violence, they usually deny, minimize and/or justify their actions.

Often abuses try to pass the blame onto the victim. One thing is certain, no one who is a victim of domestic violence deserves to be battered. No matter what a victim does, doesn't do, says or how a she/he dresses, etc. makes the abuse an acceptable behavior.

Domestic violence is a pattern of using emotional, verbal, and/or physical abus to control another person.

What is sexual violence?

Sexual violence is based on a continuum with sexist language and harassment on one end and rape and murder on the other. Sexual violence may include the threat of or the actual act of physical force.

Ask yourself whether your partner has done any of these things to you:

• told anti-woman jokes or made demeaning remarks about women or men
• treated women as sex objects
• been jealously angry, assuming you would have sex with any available man or woman
• insisted you dress in a more sexual way than you wanted
• minimized the importance of your feelings about sex
• criticized you sexually
• insisted on unwanted or uncomfortable touching
• withheld sex and affection
• forced you to strip when you didn't want to
• called you sexual names like "whore" or "frigid"
• publicly showed sexual interest in other women or men
• forced you to have sex with him/her or someone else when you didn't want to
• forced you to watch others have sex when you didn't want to
• forced sex after beatings
• forced sex when you were sick or it was a danger to your health
• forced sex for the purpose of hurting you with objects or weapons
• committed unwanted sadistic sexual act

You might give in to your partner's wish because you truly want to, and you know he'll do the same for you. But if you give in because you're afraid not to or because you know he'll keep at you until he wears you down, this could be sexual abuse.

What is teen dating violence?

Teen dating violence is the control of one teenage partner over the other teenage partner in the form of emotional, verbal, physical and/or sexual abuse. These abusive behaviors are are purposefully used by one teenager to hurt and control their partner. Emotional abuse is the verbal behavior that harms a person's self-esteem and causes shame. Physical abuse is the behavior and any action which causes physical pain or injury. Sexual abuse is any unwanted sexual advance or contact.

Emotional Abuse examples:

Physical Abuse examples:

Sexual Abuse examples:

Where can I go for help if I am not from Northwest Colorado?

You can also contact us at (970) 879-2034 or (970) 879-8888 and we will assist you in finding local resources.

What are the warning signs of an abusive relationship?

Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their relationship partners. If a perosn has several of these behaviors (three or more), there is a strong potential for relationship violence.

Jealousy: Many people feel jealousy is just a sign of caring and concern for their well-bing and safety. However, extreme jealousy is often used by abusers as a means of exerting power and control over their significant others. Jealousy can quickly become a tactic used to control a partner's behavior by dictating who he/she can talk to or spend time with, cutting a partner off from friends and family, stalking and/or punishing failures to check-in.

Controlling Behavior: An abusive person may attempt to control many aspects of a partner's life. This may include aspects of physical appearance such as style of dress, application of make-up, hairstyle. It may also include not allowing a partner to make basic life decisions, such as whether or not to work, go to church, leave the house, drive a car, use the phone, spend money, or get medical treatment.

Quick Involvement: Some abusive relationships involve a "whirlwind romance," where one or both partners feel as if the relationship was "meant to be." In many cases, a person who is abused by his or her partner dated or knew the other person for less than six months before moving in toghter, getting engaged, or getting married. Sometimes, a patner who becomes abusive or violent later on in the relationship works very hard to get a commitment of "exclusiveness" from a reluctant partner, making him or her feel guildy for wanting to "slow down" or "break up" the relationship. Sometimes flattery is used to keep a reluctant partner interested, such as "I've never been loved like this by anyone before," or "You're the only one who really understands me."

Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive partners expect their partners to meet all of their needs. The expect partners to be perfect spouses, lovers, friends, and parents to their children. Frequently, abusive people have no other close and lasting relationships besides the relationship with their partner.

Isolation: An abusive person may try to cut their partner off from resources that would allow her or him independence from the relationship, such as money, friends, transportation, employment and family.

Blames Others for Problems: An abusive person rarely takes responsibility for anything that goes wrong in their relationship or in his/her life in general. This includes blaming other people for making him/her angry or causing a violent reaction.

Hypersensitivity: An abusive person is easily insulted and frequently feels "attacked" by even the mildest feedback or confrontation. A traffic ticket may be seen as a personal attack by the "system," being asked to help with household chores may be seen as an accusation of "being a slob," a comment on the cost of groceries may be seen as an accusation of "being a lousy breadwinner."

Cruelty to Animals or Children: Hurting or killing pets is a serious sign that a person is very likely to also be abusive toward relationship partners or children. The tendency towards brutality and insensitivity to the pain and suffering of animals is frequently gerneralized to the people - particularly people who are weaker and smaller.

Physical Force and Psychological Manipulation in Sex: This may include pinning or holding a partner down during sex or acting out fantasies of rape (when the partner does not want to act out this kind of fantasy). It may also include coercion to gain sexual access, such as threatening to leave or physically hurt hi or her partner if sexual access is denied. It may also include humiliating comments about sexual performance or sexual body parts.

Verbal Abuse: Degradation, humiliation, cursing, demoralizing and shaming a partner to make him or her feel helpless, stupid, ugly, worthless, and unlovable.

Rigid Sex Roles: Abusive people may have strict and unresonable expectations about male and female roles behaviors and responsibilities in relationships. Abusive women may expect their male partners to be finacially successful, continuously sexually available, assertive, and/or physically aggressive. Abusive males may expect their femail partners to be beautiful (but not to other males), sexually available, passive, dependent, and good housekeepers.

Sudden Mood Changes: An abusive partner often flip-flops between extreme kindness, almost idolizing a partner, and extreme abusiveness. Sometimes the abuse is only expressed in private and the kindness is displayed in public.

Threats of Violence: This includes any verbal threat of physical force, from slapping or beating to killing. Abusive people may also threaten to hurt or kill their partners' loved ones or pets. Threats may be used to get an unwilling partner to comply with a demand.

Breaking Objects: Destroying the personal property is intimidating and is often used to punish, intimidate, and/or terrorize a partner into submission.

Use of any Physical Force During an Argument: This may involve holding or physically restraining a partner and/or pushing, shoving, choking, smacking, slapping, punching or kicking. It could include slamming a partner into a wall in an attempt to get him or her to listen.

What is the cycle of violence?

A victim often feels there must be something she/he can do to stop the partner's violence. The truth, however, is domestic violence tends to increase in frequency and severity no matter what the victim does, unless he/she leaves and/or the batterer seeks help. In battering relationships, a pattern or "cycle" is often found. This cycle appears in three stages:

Tension Building: This stage occurs before the actual violence. The batterer starts getting uptight, bothered by little things, perhaps paranoid and jealous. The victim tries to reduce the tension, but nothing works. The victim may feel responsible and guilty, but powerless to do anything. The victim knows something is going to happen and is in constant anticipation. She/he may even do something to aggravate the batterer just to get over with what she/he knows will happen eventually.

Violent Episode: This is the stage where the actual violence occurs. The tension that has built up in the batterer finally explodes in a fit of rage. This stage can take the form of verbal threats, intense yelling, and/or physical violence. Often this stage seems surreal with a disconnected dreamlike quality.

Hearts & Flowers: After a violent episode there is a great need felt by both partners to believe that everything is all right. The batterer usually becomes apologetic, charming and loving. He/She may be genuinely sorry and promise never to do it again or to get help for the violent behavior. The victim may believe the batterer, hoping it will be different and the violent behavior will change. Both partners may deny and minimize the situation to try to convience themselves that it didn't happn or wasn't as bad as it originally seemed.

 A relationship may go through this cycle once a month, twice a year or many times in one day. However, over time, this cycle typically repeats itself more frequently and severely.

What can I do if I am being abused?

• Know you are not alone, you do not deserve to be hurt and the abuse not your fault.
• Talk to someone you feel comfortable confiding in or turning to for help. This could be a family member, a friend, a co-worker or an advocate from our organization.
• Call Advocates Building Peaceful Communities: Many advocacy organizations, including ours, are available 24-hours a day. You can call our hotline phone number (970-879-8888) at anytime and speak with an advocate. Our program is completely confidential and specializes in working with domestic violence and sexual assault victims and survivors. Our trained advocates are available to provide crisis counseling, support, information, and advocacy to the women, children and men we work with. Advocates are not able to make decisions for victims, but can provide information, resources, and support along the way.
• Plan for your safety. If your decision is to stay in your relationship OR if your decision is to leave your relationship, safety planning is very important.

If I leave my partner, what do I need to bring with me?

If you decide to leave an abusive relationship, it is important to have a safety plan. Advocates is always available to help make a safety plan.

When leaving an abusive partner, some important things to pack include:

• Identification (driver's license)
• Childrens' birth certificates
• Birth certificate
• Social Security cards
• School and vaccination records
• Money
• Checkbook, ATM card
• Credit Cards
• Keys - house, car, office
• Driver's license and car registration
• Medications
• Belongings with sentimental value (photographs, family heirlooms, etc)

Remember, your SAFETY is more important than the things listed above. Do not compromise your safety by getting these items.

What can I do if I know someone is being abused?

Some of the best things to do if you know someone who is being abused are:

• Listen in a non-judgmental, supportive manner
• Be supportive, regardless of the number of times she/he returns to the relationship
• Remind him/her that he/she is not alone and is not to blame for the abuse
• Make referrals to programs that offer assistance to victims of domestic violence - encourage her/him to make contact with a victim advocate to discuss options
• Assist in developing a safety plan
• If she/he tells you she/he is afraid, trust that there are good reasons for that belief
• Tell her/him that you're concerned for her/his safety
• Tell her/him that she/he deserves better than this
• Be there for her/him even when you don't understand her/his decisions

Why would a victim stay in an abusive relationship?

One of the most frequently asked questions concerning domestic violence victim stays in an abusive relationship. It would seem logical for her/him to leave. However, battered women and men often find themselves in situations which do not lend themselves to simple and logical solutions. Here are some of the many reasons some might have for staying.

Fear

• Greater physical danger to themselves and their children if they leave
• Retaliation, being hunted down and the abuse will be worse than before
• Losing custody of the children
• Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family or friends and lack of information regarding any alternatives
• Intimidation of the legal system
• Not knowing what the future has to hold
• Being seen as a failure
• Not seeing or wanting to see a pattern of abuse
• Fear that the abuser is not able to survive alone

Economic and Practical Considerations

• Financial loss and child support
• Alternative housing; not having anywhere else to live
• Lack of job skills or work experience

Emotional Factors

• Love-remembering what the abuser used to be like
• Fear of loneliness
• Lack of understanding from spiritual leaders, family, friends, mental health workers, police, etc.
• Belief that the abuse was deserved (may be told this by the batterer
• Low self-esteem
• Insecurity over potential independence
• Believe/hope the abuser will change
• Ambivalence and fear over making big life changes
• Ties to home and belongings
• Emotional bonding
• Emotional damage to children

Personal Beliefs

• Belief that love/commitment/partnerships should last forever
• Wanting someone to share the responsibility of the children
• Belief that violence is the way all partners relate
• Religious and cultural beliefs
• Loyalty

What are the myths and facts of sexual assault?

Myth: Sexual assault is most often committed by strangers.
Fact: Women face the greatest risk of sexual assault from men they know, not strangers.

Myth: Women who are sexually assaulted "ask for it" by the way they dress or act.
Fact: Victims of sexual assault report a wide range of dress and actions at the time of the assault. Any woman of any age and physical type, in almost any situation, can be sexually assaulted. No form of dress or behavior makes sexual assault ok or acceptable.

Myth: Unless she is physically harmed, a sexual assault victim will not suffer any long-term effects.
Fact: Women who have been sexually assaulted feel anger and fear, and can become more cautious and less trusting.

Myth: Women frequently cry "rape," i.e., there is a high rate of false reporting.
Fact: Studies show that only 2% of rape calls are false reports. This is the same false report rate that is the usual for other kinds of felonies.